Like Me
by Jeanny
Summary: The morning after Willow returns, she and Dawn find common ground. (Takes place after ST,SP)


Title: Like Me

Author: Jeanny

Rating: PG-13

Feedback: Please. jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Spoilers: Season 7 Through Same Time, Same Place

Distribution: I don't mind, just credit me and let me know where it's going.

Summary: The morning after Willow returns, she and Dawn find common ground (Willow's POV).

Disclaimer: The Buffyverse isn't mine and I don't own the characters. Just like using them to weave little story spells.

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"Willow?"

It's almost a whisper, so soft and I almost don't hear it, but it doesn't matter. I already knew she was there. Another strange side-effect of the earth magick power thing, I guess. I can feel who else is in the house now, sense their energy. I knew Dawn was coming. Felt her in the hall. Debating. Smart girl. 

After all, we're alone in the house. 

I stop pretending to meditate, open my eyes and smile, feeling the fakeness of it almost cracking my skin. Poor thing. She looks like she's been fused to the door frame. Her knuckles are white. Who can blame her? 

"Hey, Dawn." Boy, do I wish that had come out more naturally, not all nervous and overly-happy-like. Dawn's pretending it wasn't weird. Yay for pretense.

"Hey," she says back, a little louder now. A little stronger. Had she seen me yet? Can't quite remember, everything after the cave was all hazy and painful. I shift a bit and get a twinge of more of all that, and Dawn's eyes widen. "Buffy said I should check on you. Are you okay?"

Such a simple question, not so easy to answer anymore. I can see it in her eyes, she means it in all its variations. Am I feeling alright? Any sudden urges to kill all my friends and wipe out the world?

"I'm getting there," I answer. It's the best I can do for now, and it seems to satisfy her. She let's go of the door, comes a step closer. I can't help it, I'm staring at her and I can tell it's freaking her out but I just can't help it. I'm shocked, and I shouldn't be.

She's all grown up.

I don't say it out loud, because it sounds stupid even in my head, but I can't help it. I feel like I've missed something important here. And at the same time I feel silly for assuming everything would stay the same while I was gone. It's not the nature of things to stay the same, and I know that. I just didn't think it would hit me this hard. 

"Willow?" she's asking me now, and there's a lot of anxiety there. I make her nervous. I make all of them nervous. This moment is just one more fun stop on the Rosenberg around-the-world-with-guilt trip...and I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself, I know, I know, but it hurts that I scare her like this. 

I deserve it, but it still hurts.

"I'm okay," I manage finally, and the faintness of my voice seems to calm her some, even though she doesn't believe me. Obviously can't be doing evil when I can barely manage a decent white lie, right? "I just...you look so much older than I remember."

"Oh," she says, surprised and actually pleased. I get a smile from her now. "I grew a few more inches. Way taller than Buffy now."

"I see that," I say unnecessarily. "But it's more than that...you're..." Tears. My throat is closed, my eyes are watering, and it isn't just the sudden flair of pain from sitting up straighter. Now I'm scaring her again, but she's not scared of me. She's scared for me. That's something, right? 

"Willow! Should I...I should get somebody..."

"No, no, it'll pass..." 

Is it wrong that I feel a little happy about that? That she's worried about me? I'm in so much pain I can barely stand it, but I'd go through it again and again for this moment, where her hand is reaching for mine to try to make it better. It makes me feel almost...

Like me.

Except the moment passes and her hand moves away, and I remember myself. I'm Willow the Destroyer, flayer of enemies, taunter of friends. Not to be trusted. My face burns as I flashback to cornering Dawn at Rack's, the horrible things I said and I threatened to...and God, the worst part is I can't even say I didn't mean it. Because...because I don't know. Those thoughts had to come from somewhere, and I can't pretend they weren't mine at all. I can't pretend that she'll ever be able to forgive me. That any of them will.

"I should let you rest," she says, and I can't help it. I grab her hand. She flinches, and I feel like a jerk, but I can't let her go, not yet.

"Please stay," I say, and she just looks at me. I drop her hand, but to my surprise she doesn't leave, just keeps looking at me with that look, that questioning, expectant look. It's somehow familiar but I can't put my finger on it. And she sits on the bed, miracle of miracles, being careful not to move it too much. I'm careful not to wince too much. So there we sit, evaluating each other very cautiously, and I don't know what to say now. She breaks the silence and it's the last thing I expect her to say.

"I've started a database. With the demons that Buffy's fought. To, you know, help with the research."

"You have?" I say, feeling suddenly stupid. When did she get good on the computer? One more thing I've missed.

"Yeah. I think it'll help, you know? Do you think it'll help?" 

She's so anxious to please, and I feel that weird déjà vu again. It's more than just my memories, it's something else. I nod, glad I'm good for something if only to reassure her a little.

"I definitely think it will...I always meant to do something like that...I just never..." And there's another regret to add to the pile. 

"You were busy," she says, and I'm amazed that she's actually trying to give me an excuse. I'd love to take it, but we both know better.

"Yeah. Real busy. It's amazing how time-consuming destroying your life is," I say. 

Oh no, no bitterness and self-loathing here.

"Will..."

I can't let her finish, she's going to say something sweet and forgiving and I don't deserve it. I can't take it.

"I'm sorry, Dawnie. I'm just so sorry about everything. I'm sorry I...I messed everything up..."

"Will, it's okay. I messed up stuff too, you know, with the stealing. And so did Buffy. She slept with Spike. And Xander dumped Anya at the altar, he like totally humiliated her. And Anya slept with Spike too...a-and she became a vengeance demon."

"I killed Warren and I tried to destroy the world."

"Well, yeah. You've always been an overachiever."

Her expression is dead serious, but the twinkle in her eyes tells me she's teasing me, and then she starts to giggle and I can't help it. I start to laugh. God, laughing hurts, really really hurts, but it feels so good, even if it's just for a moment. Dawn looks so guilty when I double over in pain that I grab her hand again, squeezing it reassuringly.

"It's okay, sweetie. I'm okay."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Dawn says, her eyes still wide with fear. I somehow manage to crack a smile, and now she just seems confused.

"Quit stealing my lines."

"Huh?" she asks, her nose scrunching in confusion. I squeeze her hand again and let it go, even though I don't really want to. I'm still in pain, and I'm afraid I'll squash her hand if I hold on too long. I can't do that. I can't hurt her.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," I repeat softly, and deep down I know now it's true. It's not an excuse for what I did, but the dark mojo I took from Rack, it clouded up everything in my head, made it hard for me to feel anything. Which, of course, was what I wanted at the time. It's all my fault, I know that, I'm not saying it isn't. But now, here, with all that stuff packed away wherever it's living inside me now, I'm feeling everything. I'm feeling so much I almost can't take it, and I can no more conceive of hurting this girl as I can of...ummm...well, sleeping with Spike! "I was...it's not going to happen again." Any second now I'm gonna promise something I'm still not sure I can keep. Is that a good idea? "I...I'm gonna try...say, do you think I could help you? With the database?"

A change of subject can be a girl's best friend.

"I guess I thought...you'd want to...you want to help me? You're gonna let me do it?"

She's surprised. Shocked even. But in a good way. That's a nice change of pace for me.

"It was your idea. A good idea. Good, and you... that you could do that for them, Dawn. Be there, helping, with the computer and all. Also good. I..."

I wasn't there. You were. You're the one who's helping that way now, I don't want to take that away from you. I'm not saying these things out loud, but I know you hear me anyway. I can tell. I'm not going to take your place, Dawn, even though you'd let me. Even though it would be easy.

Even though I don't know what my place is here anymore. 

She's touching my hand, reaching out to me. I try not to take it, but she slips it into mine just the same. She's stubborn, Dawn is, sometimes. I can see the beginnings of a world-class Resolve Face there, and I should know, right? 

"They missed you, you know. It wasn't the same..."

Of course not. It'll never be the same, not ever. But that's for me to worry about. She's so prone to worry, so sensitive to everyone's feelings. Just like me.

Just like me...

"I don't think it will be. The same. But, I...I think it'll be okay," I say, and I manage to smile. I thought I was beyond hope, but lookee here, here it is.

"Me too," she replies, giving me that same optimistic smile I know I would see on my own face if I was looking in a mirror right now. In a way, I think I already am.

So here we sit, smiling at each other in that same goofy way, and it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Everything will be okay, Dawn. Just keep on smiling at me.

Just...

Like me.

*****

Feedback is always welcome. :)


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